(Lost) Control
by onceuponahungergames
Summary: "Alone. I've always been alone." Emma's inner monologue after she had been turned the Dark One after saving Regina. Angst and sadness ensue. #swanqueen


Alone. I've always been alone. Nowhere left to go. No one to help me. Especially this time. This time, I thought they would come looking for me. I thought they would wonder what happened to me. And, of course, I was wrong.

I just saved _**her**_ from the darkness taking over _**her**_ again. I saved _**her**_ from becoming that evil woman _**she**_ hates so much. How does _**she**_ thank me? Well, I couldn't say since no one has summoned me, no one has made a plan on how to get me back. Nothing.

Idiots. All of them. Even _**her**_. _**She**_ calls me the idiot, which I understand. Why didn't I let the darkness consumer _**her**_? _**She**_ should know. I've given _**her**_ so many opportunities to see my feelings for _**her**_. Operation Mongoose. I told _**her**_ I wouldn't rest until _**she**_ got _**her**_ happy ending. _**She**_ smiled and I died inside. Idiots. Both of us.

I knew _**her**_ happy ending would not be with me. How could it be? _**She's**_ with the "perfect guy" and I'm…well…me. _**She**_ would never love me. I'm not a guy. I'm an idiot. I'm evil. I'm a monster.

Now, that I think about it, I didn't just turn into a monster because I consumed the darkness. No, I was being molded into a monster from the very beginning of my life. Orphanages, the system, foster parents. They all contributed to what I have become.

Neil fucked me up. Literally and figuratively. He gave me Henry, who has been the shining light in my life, but he left me. Sold me out and left me. _That_ is unforgivable. At least he's dead no so he doesn't have to see me like this. So that he doesn't have to feel guilty. Selfish bastard.

Meeting Henry was such a perplexing moment that I still can't believe it actually happened. I love that kid. I love him so much. I will never stop loving him. But I'm afraid that because I am like this now, he will stop loving me.

I talked about _**her**_ already, so let's talk about Guyliner, as _**she**_ calls him as he "summons" me. It's not even a summons. It's a fucking command. Yeah, there is no way I am answering this asshole because if I do, I don't think he'll like seeing his brains splattered on the pavement.

I said I loved him before I saved _**that woman**_. Let me explain to you why exactly I said it. I have never, in my life, told someone I love them if it's a calm moment. I have said, "I love you" in the most stressful situations I've ever been in. Why? To make that other person feel good, I guess. I really don't know why. All I know is that I never mean it. Except for the kid. Except for my damn kid.

So, they just had a revelation that I'm not in their world. Bullshit. I'm right here. I'm in the shadows. I'm all around them. They don't notice because they don't want to. They're expecting this grand entrance of the Dark One in a foreign land? Oh, I'll give it to them. I'll play nice for a while. Show them they can trust me. They might even hope I can get better.

Hope. What a disgusting word. There's a saying that giving false hope is the cruelest thing you can do to a person. I agree. I agree extremely. How many times have I hoped that I would be adopted to a forever family? How many times have I hoped that someone would love me for me and not for what I'd give to them? How many times have I hoped _**she**_ would figure me out? Too many times. Way too fucking many times.

I bet they're hoping they can get me back to "normal", whatever they think that means. I need for them to have that drive, so that I can break them. Break them for all they've put me through. All the torment, the lies, the heartbreak. I'm done with it.

 _ **She's**_ smart, though. _**She'll**_ see this coming from a mile away. _**She**_ knows the darkness unlike everyone else in this goddamn posse. I want _**her**_ to see the darkness in me. I want _**her**_ to feel bad and sorry for me. I want _**her**_ to feel like she did this to me.

 _ **She**_ took the dagger, my dagger, from Hook. Good. Brilliant thinking. Curiosity gets the better of me, so I follow _**her**_ , wherever _**she**_ might be taking my dagger. _**She**_ walks to her house alone. No Forest Boy, no Henry, alone. _**She**_ opens the front door and I stay on the porch, watching through a window. I can poof in there easily, but I want to see what _**she**_ is planning to do with my dagger before I show myself.

 _ **She**_ holds it in both hands, almost reverently, and stops in the middle of the foyer. The front door is ajar, so I slip in without a sound and silently make my way behind _**her**_. I peer over _**her**_ shoulder and see _**her**_ eyes glued to the cursed object. _**She**_ stares at the markings engraved in the blade. _**Her**_ right hand releases the hold and _**her**_ fingers dance over the scribble of my name.

I can hear _**her**_ breath hitch and a silent sob escapes _**her**_ lips. _**She**_ slowly falls to _**her**_ knees and _**her**_ tears blot the hardwood under _**her**_. "Emma…" _**she**_ murmurs. _**Her**_ head falls in desperation. I stand there, stunned. All I can think is that I really don't wanting _**her**_ saying my name two more times because I don't know if I can hold back from talking to _**her**_ now.

Something in my head is telling me to leave now. Get out. Before I do something I'll regret. But I can't lift my legs. They feel like led. My heart is beating fast and there's an electric current running through my veins that can only spell out one thing: raw emotion. Towards _**her**_. I can't have this feeling. Not now.

"Emma…" _**she**_ hiccups again. By this time, _**she**_ is letting herself go. This is too much. I need to get out of here. I need to remember my plans. My plans to make _**her**_ feel the way I do. But, the more I'm watching _**her**_ and listening to _**her**_ , I think _**she**_ already feels that way.

"I'm so sorry," _**she**_ sobs. "I'm so… so sorry." I'm so… so fucked. "Em-ma…" Fuck. "I love you." What. "And I will save you." Good luck. "If it's the last thing I do." It will be. _**She**_ raises _**her**_ head instantly. Did I think that or say that… out loud? _**She**_ turns _**her**_ head to look in my direction, and finds me standing over _**her**_ , eyes blazing into _**hers**_.

 _ **Her**_ eyes widen at the sight of me, dressed in black leather from head to toe. The only color on me is lipstick red as blood to accent my pale face and white hair. "Emma…" _**she**_ gasps. "No more of your lies," I growl and I shoot _**her**_ with a black jet of magic, knocking _**her**_ to the ground, unconscious. _**She's**_ fine. _**She**_ won't remember anything from our limited time of seeing each other. But I will. I'll remember all of it. Was _**she**_ lying? I don't know. A part of me hopes that _**she**_ was, but, as I have said before, hope is a terrible thing.

I crouch down beside _**her**_ sleeping form and brush _**her**_ hair out of _**her**_ face. My fingertips trace along _**her**_ face, _**her**_ jawline, the scar on _**her**_ lips. I let out a shaky breath I didn't know I was holding before I poof us to _**her**_ bedroom. I take off _**her**_ heels and cover _**her**_ with a blanket. I may be the Dark One and a monster, but I'm not completely heartless.

As I turn to leave the room, I hear murmuring from the bed. I lean in closer to hear what grumbled words are spilling from the _**ex-Queen's**_ mouth. I barely can hear anything, until _**she**_ says a sentence, clear as day. "I will save you, Emma Swan."

I stand up straight and roll my shoulders back. It takes every ounce of strength in me not to press my lips against _**hers**_. I must do my job. I can't have this distraction, so I turn on my heel and walk toward the door. As I reach it, I look back at _**her**_ one last time, and I say, "Goodbye, _**Regina Mills**_."

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hey everybody! so this random little idea came into my head so i decided it should be written! isn't that what usually happens for fics? anyway hoped you enjoyed reading this! thanks for the comments/favorites/follows/love :D have a great weekend!

-juju :)


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